Living life as a sex slave

My mom would warn me about «bad people» stealing kids and selling them for sex.В Like most Indian parents, my mom was anxious and protective over who В I was friends with and where I was going.В  Little did she realize that her own home was no different than the sex trafficking and those «evil white rapists» that she was scared about.В  В My mom was the so-called «bad guy» selling me for sex, and my step-dad was the happy client wanting to purchase the goods.В Little did I know that this scenario happening my home was setting me up and training me for other men that were like my step-dad.В When my mom decided to stay with my step-dad after I had told her about everything he did, my self-esteem took an all-time low.В I was shocked.I was hurt.В I felt like I was a toy that was only good for sex.В  В Not only did I have to deal with her choosing him over me, В my mom said that I wasn’t allowed to move out.I had to stay, forget about everything, and be a good Indian girl that obeys her parents.

I had broken up with my ex-boyfriend in 2005, but we stayed friends off and on.В One of the biggest mistakes I made was re-connecting with him around the time when all of this was going on.В Since I didn’t have many friends or supports outside of my dysfunctional family, I naively accepted his superficial charm.В I had no idea that my ex-boyfriend would also brainwash and manipulate me into a sexual relationship that would be just as traumatic and hard to escape.I had written about this post before, but deleted it out of discomfort and anxiety.I was still scared of my ex finding out, and being judged for going along with what he wanted me to do.

To make a long story short, I talk about my ex-boyfriend’s manipulative tactics and how guilty I felt in this entry

http://nolongeraslave.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/going-back-to-the-abuser/

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I also talk about him being supportive one minute, and then mean the next

http://nolongeraslave.wordpress.com/2011/04/01/be-nice-be-mean-be-nice-be-mean-the-honeymoon-stage/

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Basically, my ex-boyfriend took advantage of my vulnerability and exploited me to meet his needs.В Through constant put-downs (you’re not pretty enough for the guys that you like.I’m all what you can get (I did so much for you and you are so selfish!), (nobody likes you.you’re lucky you have me to help you out), anger, and shaming, I became his sex slave-A emotionally dead zombie that couldn’t fight back and had to do what he wanted to do, in order to avoid the negative consequences.В I HATED having sex with this man.It hurt, and I didn’t feel any pleasure.В My ex-boyfriend knew all of this, yet he would make fun of me for being a wimp that couldn’t take vaginal penetration properly.В He didn’t realize that it was really HIM causing the pain.В If you treat someone like trash and make them have sex with you when you know they don’t like you, how can you expect them to enjoy the experience?

It was too embarra*sing to let anyone know.How the hell do I explain «My ex wants me to have sex when I’m not attracted to him, and I’m too scared to fight back?» Not to mention that my ex was very good at finding out what I was doing, who I was talking to, etc.В He used to tell «If you ever do anything behind my back, I’m going to find out.» В  I truly felt there was no way out.В  I even used to think that confronting him wouldn’t work, because he would tell me that I was wrong and try to make me doubt myself.

My mom knew that we were friends, but she also had no idea what was going on.В She knew that he put me down a lot, but she blamed me for causing it.В  I sometimes would believe my mom and my ex.Was I really doing something wrong?Sometimes I would try to be as nice as possible to my ex, doing whatever he wanted me to do, and trying to prove that I wasn’t this bad person that he accused me of being.There were times where I even pretended to flirt with my ex and be seductive JUST so he could be nice to me and tell me I was a worthy person.

It was crazy!My mind was so messed up and distorted for the past several months.

There were definitely times where I tried to give hints to my ex that I didn’t like him.I flat out told him that I wasn’t attracted to him.I told him that I sometimes pretended that he’s someone else when I have to have sex with him.I told him that I feel dead with him.В I told him to find someone else.

He didn’t care.He still wanted me to be his sex partner.He would guilt me saying that he did so much for me and that I have to owe him.Do you know what «owe me» means?В  Sex.В  В I again felt helpless, as if it was my job and responsibility to take care of him.В It’s just weird, because if I was a man, I would want my partner to enjoy being intimate with me.В It’s almost as if my ex was taking pleasure in the fact that I didn’t want to be with him.

It’s been almost 3 years now ever since I have cut ties with my ex, but it’s still disturbing.В I can easily look back and say what the hell was I thinking, because I’m now in a better place with a better head on my shoulders.Living with my parents and being sheltered from the outside world gave me a distorted view on reality.В When I moved away from my parents, I realized that whatever my ex and my parents said to me was wrong.

If you would ask my ex about this, his side of the story is that he’s a sweet and open-minded Indian guy that’s just trying to help.В  He would say I’m a selfish f**ked up bitch that made him do the things that he did.That I frustrated him.That he would never force someone to have sex.That I did it out of my own consent and free will.

If I were to call my ex right now, he would happily talk to me, act sweet, and promise me the world.В  Anything it would take to get me back under the sex slave role.

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